I can not remember how many times I have cried because I feel like I don’t have any more energy to be strong. I am not ashamed to say that I do cry because my son is autistic, not because I feel sorry for him. But because it is so hard to watch him experience different aspect of his life and face challenges that an atypical child does not typically experience. It can be as small as making friends or as big as continuing his education in a mainstream school.
Watching children be mean to your child unleashes a different and powerful restraint not to confront them, children are innocent yes, but they can be cruel and mean. Once I watched a group of boys talk about how “weird” they thought my son was because he was always by himself. I can’t lie it took a lot not to go over to them and explain that he is autistic, and he finds it difficult or challenging to socialise. Because the truth is at this point, I have explained it so many times I couldn’t be bothered. So, I just smiled and let them know that every child is different, as my baby walked to meet me in the car oblivious to the conversation I have just had with his peers.
I could write a list of all the negative things that we have experienced, but they will always be outweighed by the positives. I am determined to make sure that he has the best in life and experience things that most children could only dream of. I am determined for him to travel and see the world to know that his options are not limited.
Mostly, I spend a lot of time pretending I am okay when the truth is I am just clinging onto that last bit of a reserved energy. I must convince myself that I must be strong for everyone. I must make his dad think that everything is okay, I must keep smiling so his brothers don’t see my pain, I am always smiling and sometimes the smile is real but, sometimes the smile is just pure pain. It might sound dramatic but until you have experienced some of the things I have, you can only imagine how painful it can be. I am always questioning why things are so hard? Why must I always have to fight? I have to fight to get him the education I feel he deserves, I have to fight to get the referral I know he needs; I have to fight to access services and most of all I have to fight everyday with life. Now, I know sometimes this might sound dramatic to some people but that is my reality. Don’t get me wrong, life is good and now after all these years I am a lot stronger emotionally and I am more able to cope but sometimes. It is helpful to reflect on how things once were to know how far we have come. I spend a lot of time telling the parents I work with to seek help and to be honest is because I had to. I had to speak to someone about how I felt and how I continue to feel. It takes a lot of energy to be strong and sometimes the strong breakdown. There is no shame, it takes a lot more energy to admit when you need help or support don’t ever be afraid to access those services because you do need it too.
Cherilee x
